“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, psychiatrist and author

On losing a loved one, many people say that they lost a part of themselves the day their loved on died, but I can honestly say I have never felt this way since my husband Simon’s death.

Maybe that’s down to my mindset and my approach to life, my mental health and grief, but if it is, then it means how we act and respond to situations and experiences is a choice.

Rather than feeling like my heart broke and I lost a part of myself that day, from the moment Simon took his last breath I have honestly felt as if I have gained all of his heart, rather than him taking a huge part of mine with him.

I like the visual of this better, too. I can imagine a big red heart-shaped balloon being passed from Simon to me and my body absorbing it as its own, bursting at the seams with so much love.

My heart felt pain the day he died and still does now, but I like to think that pain is not because my heart is broken from loss, but it’s in pain from the strain of trying to fit his heart into my chest. He did, after all, have a massive heart full of love, joy, humour, empathy, passion and compassion and I’m now fortunate enough to carry that with me always.

Some people might not get this thinking; others may never have considered it an option to feel anything other than hurt and loss and think grief is purely a negative emotion. But it is not. Grief is complex and fascinating and it is as much a reason to celebrate as it is to mourn.

I have settled on a mindset that allows me to cry, smile, laugh and feel so much love and gratitude for the love of my life and to accept the reality of death, process it and move forwards with my grief in a healthy and positive way.

It is not easy, though. Like anything it takes consistent daily actions focussed on yourself and your mind, but what I can tell you is that if you want to and choose to, you too can tweak your mindset to move from pain and suffering to gratitude and love.

Much love,
Tabby xx

Want to read more? Check out Tabby’s book “The Three Taboos: Cancer, Grief and Mental Health”