mental health – Mode for…

Embracing the Messy Middle of Growth

Not every day feels like a fresh start, and that’s perfectly OK.

The truth is, the middle of any journey can feel messy and uncertain. We often believe we’re supposed to have everything figured out by now, but that’s not how growth works. It’s in the unknown, in the in-between, where the most meaningful shifts happen.

This week, I invite you to pause and sit with that discomfort. Let it be a gentle reminder that uncertainty isn’t a sign of failure, it’s a sign that you’re evolving. You’re learning, growing, and becoming, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Ask yourself:
– How can I welcome the messiness of where I am right now?
– What small, intentional actions can I take this week to move forward, even without all the answers?

These are questions I come back to often. I’ve learned to give myself permission not to have it all sorted out, and to trust the process just a little more each day and most importantly, to be kind to myself.

When your actions align with your goals and vision, things begin to fall into place…slowly, surely, and in their own time.

You are exactly where you need to be… and right now, that’s more than enough.

Much love,
Tabby x

P.S. Feeling scattered or out of sync? The 7 Minute Morning is a beautiful way to reconnect and find calm. Or explore The Perform Journal for a gentle, purposeful reset. Find them both HERE.

How do you feel?

Cue default answer “I’m fine” or “I’m OK”.

True? We all do it. We’ve been conditioned to not share our truth of how we feel – for fear of judgement, burdening others or not being worthy of support – but this lack of honesty means a lack of connection to ourselves and asking ourselves that valuable question of “how do I feel?”.

So ask yourself right now… “how do I feel?”

Can you identify your emotions? How you’re feeling right now?

The sooner we can become aware of the exact emotions we are feeling, the easier it becomes to manage those emotions and managing our emotions means we can flourish, PERFORM at our best and protect our mental health.

Now don’t worry if you can’t identify your emotions – that’s not unusual – and sometimes we just don’t have the language to verbalise what we feel.

But here’s a little method to try. Take a look at this wheel of emotions and match a word to how you feel.

Next, take a moment to consider what’s going on for you when you identified this emotion. Is what you’re doing in the moment impacting your feelings in the moment? It’s always good to check in with yourself and be aware of what you’re feeling and then you can take action in your life as appropriate.

… and if you’re asking someone else how they are and they reply with “fine” or “OK” – ask them twice… it shows you have an intention to listen, care and are a safe person for them to share with.

Embracing Widowhood: My Journey to Self-Discovery and Helping You in 2025

Now we’ve eased into 2025, I’m conscious that whilst many of you have known me for some years (or even decades), some of you are new to following and connecting with me and we don’t know each other that well!

So, first of all, welcome to my small part of the universe and thank you for connecting.

In the interest of being polite, let me introduce myself to you properly… and re-introduce myself to those that think you know me well… I can assure you that whilst you may think you know me, you possibly don’t really know it all as I consciously keep my inner circle very close and tight these days.

Whilst for many years, as a performer, a coach, a business owner, entrepreneur, writer and an inherent people-pleaser I’ve had to fulfil the ‘extrovert’ role… the truth is that these days I am very comfortable with my introverted self who is quietly confident and very happy in their solo life and own company.

It wasn’t always that way though… even as a child I had a need to be helping others and be ‘seen’… yes, yes… a casualty of what I was lacking as a child, a disjointed family with really quite unsettled much older siblings and the fact my dad died when I was a teenager and I was left to just get on with it… bereaved children of the 90s didn’t have access to the support there is available now… they were simply seen and not heard… yet not truly seen in the way they needed.

Anyway, childhood traumas aside and a wealth of unhealthy coping strategies from eating disorders, to a need to be with someone resulting in some learning curves of relationships followed by depression and anxiety, I still ticked the boxes of getting a degree, becoming a Mum and running multiple businesses by my 20s.

In my 30s life straightened out a little (after a divorce, the sudden death of my brother and another hustle with depression and anxiety – there was still another short burst to come when I hit 40!) and I finally happily settled with the love of my life, Simon and we created a happy, flourishing life full of the business we shared, work we loved and a dual life in England and our new home in Italy that brought so much happiness and confidence…

…. Spoiler alert… this run of settled happiness was short-lived as Simon was diagnosed with cancer and 4 months later, just a few weeks after my 41^st birthday, died from a treatment-related illness (note… note the cancer… he was beating that sucker!)…

So there we are… 41-years-old and widowed with a 14-year-old son and multiple businesses to run.

I’m now into my 7^th year of widowhood—that’s not a label I ‘wear’—in fact, to start with I couldn’t abide the word ‘widow’ and refused to use it… but now, a little older and wiser I embrace it… not as a badge of honour, but as a means to guiding me to find who I really am… and do you know what… from a child, teen and young-adult who was terrified of being alone, I’m now a 47-year-old widow who is beyond comfortable in solitude… because widowhood gave me the permission to simple be…

to be me
to be more
to be wrong sometimes and not fear the fallout
to be right
to be selective of who is in and not in my life
to be mindful of my boundaries
to be ambitious and brave
to be kind but strong
to be independent
to be connected to myself, the people and world I need
to be the creative creator of my life
to be the person I needed when there was no-one there for me and I needed it most at every stage of my life.

… and here, today, that last point is exactly what I strive to be for my friends, clients and you. The person you need when you’re not sure how to be there for yourself.

You see, whilst widowhood and all my traumatic experiences have come with trucks full of sadness, uncertainty, fear, anger and a host of other uncomfortable emotions on a daily basis, they have also come with glimmers and gratitude… because I have learned to not just live with my grief, but truly grow with it… and that’s what makes me so effective at what I do now professionally.

Through my writing, speaking, coaching, facilitating and course creation I help others to learn and move through life with more possibility, opportunity, ease, confidence, creativity, wisdom and gratitude and mostly to face the difficult, sometimes seemingly impossible situations, with resilience and growth to be happier, heathier and PERFORM at their best whilst protecting their mental health.

So whether it’s navigating your business, career or life change, growing with your grief, PERFORMing without fear and anxiety, I use my personal and professional experience to help you with what you need and in the way you need it… and if I can’t… you know that close circle of people I mentioned at the start? One of them probably can, because I surround myself with the best.

So, here in 2025, my hope and intention is that you will find me living aligned with my core values of freedom, growth, creativity and kindness, experiencing life and the world in the way I choose, creating opportunities and working with amazing people and businesses who want to truly be authentic, more and live with purpose… and if that’s you and you resonate with the person I am today, then let’s be connected, friends and work together… whether you want to also experience the growth and freedom I have whilst embracing what’s hard in your life, or you want to help others to do that too based on your own experiences. I can help you write the books, coach the people, speak and PERFORM with authentic confidence too.

Just drop me a message and let’s start the conversation.

Much Love and pleased to meet you.

Tabby xx

Key Tips for Helping Trauma-Affected Friends

Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say and do when someone is experiencing something tough so here’s a few pointers.

Following a traumatic event people may have trouble sleeping, eating, processing and talking, or the opposite may be true.

The experience may bring up past experiences and pain.

There may be thoughts of “what if?”

There is a complex mix of symptoms someone might experience and there is no right or wrong way for them to behave.

Give them the time, space, support and safety to manage their emotions as they need to without judgement.

It is normal for symptoms to last around 2 weeks after a traumatic event so allow that time and encourage someone to look after themselves with rest, hydration, some gentle activity, nutrition and connection.

Give them the space to process whilst checking-in with genuine concern and support and show this in your words and actions. Don’t burden, criticise or blame them. Ask them what they need and how you can help them best.

If after 2 weeks symptoms are still prevalent then signposting to further help may be helpful.

Don’t let your own judgements, beliefs and experiences become a block to the way you can support someone else.

Protect Your Mental Health: Strategies for Success

Whilst today is World Mental Health Day, protecting mental health should be and is an everyday job.

Currently 2 million people in the UK are stuck on waiting lists for NHS mental health services (source: Mind Charity). Many of these people are on the brink of crisis. Our services are overstretched and underfunded and changes need to be made at a systemic level… but…

On a personal and organisational level we CAN and MUST do more.

𝗛𝗼𝘄?

Well, by shifting the narrative around mental health from one of reaction to protection we can reduce the demand on our services.

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻?

𝘼 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙣𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚 is one that waits until someone is already experiencing mental distress, poor mental health or mental illness and then signposts them to the help they need.

𝘼 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙣𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚 is one that equips people with the tools and strategies to promote wellbeing, build resilience and PERFORM at their best, meaning they are less likely, or never need, to access formal services. They have the capacity to deal with emotional distress WHEN it happens…

Because it will happen… whilst not everyone will experience poor mental health or mental illness, 100% of use WILL experience some kind of mental distress at some point (be that grief, work or financial pressures or local and global events, accidents etc) and it is our personal responsibility to be equipped with the tools to deal with this WHEN it happens; to build our own resilience and invest in healthy coping strategies every day.

This approach also means that there is then access to services to help those that truly need it.

Whilst I actively train people to recognise the signs and systems of mental health issues and signpost people to the help that they need, my wish and focus is to help people PERFORM at their best by equipping them with the tools they need to protect their mental health.

The work I do on a 1:1 and organisational level does this.

I have numerous 1:1 clients who can deal with huge stress and difficult events because they do the work to build resilience and constantly raise their performance standard by doing the work to protect their mental health. They can withstand really difficult things and thrive under stress and pressure.

I have multiple organisational and corporate clients who over the last few years have reduced their days off sick for mental health issues from the average 20% to 0% – this is through a dual approach of creating mentally healthy cultures and support systems and working with people on an individual level to increase their capacity to manage stress, build resilience and PERFORM at a high standard.

I am currently in a minority of people focussing on protection rather than reaction in the mental health field, but I’m not scared to ‘blow my own trumpet’ about the work I do, because it works. It saves lives, makes people happier and healthier and it increases the revenue of individuals and organisations.

For every £1 invested in me there is a clear return on investment of more than £5… so I’m worth every penny!

Are you ready to join me and shift the narrative?

Are you ready to be happier, healthier and increase the gains of yourself and your organisation?

From downloadable courses to private 1:1 coaching, organisation mental health audit to advise you on where you can improve to full organisational consultation, I have something to help you protect mental health, PERFORM at your best, promote wellbeing and create mentally healthy cultures at every level and every investment level.

I just need you to take 15-minutes to chat with me to find the most effective solution for you… and if you do I’ll give you a special discount code.

Drop me a message now to fix up a call.

Much Love

Tabby x

The Cockroach Theory: Lessons on Response, Not Reaction, for Life and Business

This is so true for life, mental health and grief.

We can’t always react; yes, in dangerous situations we need to because our life may be in danger – we are wired to do that, but in other non-threatening situations we need to choose response, not reaction.

We have to choose our response. We also get to choose happiness.

Read the following story and start to see how we can choose response over reaction in order to better manage situations, our emotions and our life and business choices.

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The Cockroach Theory for self-development

At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady.

She started screaming out of fear.

With a panic-stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach.

Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky.

The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but …it landed on another lady in the group.

Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue.

In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter.

The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behaviour of the cockroach on his shirt.

When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behaviour?

If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed?

He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.

It is not the cockroach, but the inability of those people to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach, that disturbed the ladies.

I realized that it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but it’s my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me.

It’s not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me.

More than the problem, it’s my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.

Lessons learnt from the story:

I understood I should not react in life.

I should always respond.

The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded.

Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of.

A beautiful way to understand

LIFE.

The HAPPY person is not because Everything is RIGHT in his Life.

He is HAPPY because his Attitude towards Everything in his Life is Right!

credits to: Divya Bhrambhatt / Sundar Pichai

Choosing to Be MESSy: Practical Tips for Dealing with Grief

Today I want to share with you a little concept I came up with for those tricky moments with grief. The days when it’s hard to do the basic things.

On those days, and every day, I want you to choose to be a MESS!

That might sound ridiculous… after all it’s easy to feel and be a mess when living with grief… but this is a tactical MESS!

MESS is an acronym I created to remind you to focus on the basic things in those moments.

MOVE – move your body and it helps to move your mind. It’s easy to hide under the duvet or curl up on the sofa with our sadness, so choose to walk, stretch or have a dance in the kitchen.

EAT – what we eat affects how we feel so even if you don’t feel like it, choose to eat something nutritious. Little and often.

SLEEP – we need sleep to heal and grow so make sure you give yourself the best chance even when it’s oh so hard. Consistent going to bed and waking times, use your bed just for sleep time not daytime lounging and hiding (yeah, I’ve done it too!), fresh linen, fresh air and quit the social media scrolling and TV binge watching before you fall to sleep. Listen to a lovely meditation or relaxing sounds.

SMILE – when we purposefully smile we start to re-wire our brain so even when sadness rules, think of something beautiful that makes you smile, watch something funny or have a fun chat with friends. Open your heart up to love and gratitude and manually override your brain.

Do you think you could choose to get MESSy with grief?

Let me know your thoughts.

Much love
Tabby x

Ps: want some FREE resources to help live with your grief? Go to http://www.modefor.co.uk and click the button for FREE grief resources ❤️

Five Tips for Living with Grief

I’m always happy and open to talking honestly based on my personal experience with grief and also share with you a few ways I found that can help us to help ourselves whilst we settle into co-habitation with grief.

Here are Five Tips for Living with Grief:

Keep talking and sharing: open, honest, non-judgemental conversation not only makes us feel better, but empathy and sharing experiences can help others to both understand and know they are not alone.
Allow yourself to feel your emotions: you will experience everything from happiness to sadness, frustration, anger, anxiety, joy, love, pain and so much more, often within the space of the same minute. Embrace those feelings and feel them in all the weirdness, inappropriateness and confusing ways they fire at you. This is good and normal to feel something.
Build your resilience: I honestly believe you don’t ever get over grief; it doesn’t go away, but instead it becomes a part of us which we embrace, manage and co-exist with. Whilst you accept it won’t go away, work on building resilience which will be your key to managing and living with it day-to-day harmoniously.
Don’t feel guilt or shame: you must NEVER feel guilt or shame for feeling your emotions and living with grief or your response to grief, regardless of why you are grieving or how long you have been experiencing it. There are no rules, boundaries or timescales. Your experience is unique to you, but building your resilience will help massively improve your response to grief and how you continue to move forwards at the same time as learning to live with it.
Love yourself: yes, learn to love yourself exactly as you are. This means being kind to yourself, looking after yourself and becoming resilient and strong to be the happiest version of yourself even in the times that feel hardest. Focus on the things that are good for you and don’t be concerned with the uninvited opinion of others.

If you are living with grief I would love for you to check out my guide to living with grief – Resources to help you start embracing and living with grief. Prioritise your emotions, pain and self-compassion to start healing and PERFORM at your best whilst honouring your loss. Check it out at:

www.theperformexperience.thinkific.com/courses/living-with-grief

If you need further support with your grief you can find it at:

Cruse Bereavement Care – https://www.cruse.org.uk/ – phone 0808 808 1677

It’s OK to Not Be OK … But, Equally, It’s OK to Be Great

We’re fairly rubbish at sharing thoughts, feelings and emotions, aren’t we? We have a tendency to hide feelings and this habit we have got into has not had a positive effect on the mental wellness of many of us. I say ‘us’ because I have been totally guilty of this in the past. I even still am sometimes.

I think it’s natural for us not to want to burden people or share things because we feel silly or ashamed, but do you know what, as the saying goes, ‘It’s OK not to be OK.’ Whilst I do often still play my emotional cards close to my chest, I have learned that sharing publicly, with those close to me and being honest with myself that I’m not OK is perfectly fine; in fact, it’s good.

Being honest about how you feel lets people relate to you and, most importantly, allows the right people into your life to support you. We all need to find our right ‘tribe’. Often those from the most unlikely sources become some of the greatest people in your life.

Whilst we’re quick to hide our troubles and sadness from the world, strangely we also seem to shy away from sharing all the great things in our life, too. Whilst it really is OK not to be OK, it’s equally OK to feel great and celebrate success. Be honest about your success and brilliance because it makes you feel good and proud. Anyone that can’t get on board and support you in your success can, to be quite frank, do one.

We should celebrate all the little wins in life and take time to appreciate them because this can give us motivation and incentive to go even further – and you need to be your own number one fan and champion. If others don’t like it, that’s their problem and they’re probably only jealous. Remember what we said about other people’s opinions: not your concern.

What little win have you got to celebrate? Make a list and celebrate them all. It doesn’t have to be with a huge party: a cuppa and five minutes’ peace and quiet is just as deserved a celebration.

Come and celebrate in my group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thewaytoperform and why not read more in my book “The Three Ps: Possibility, Productivity and Performance” available here

Much Love

Tabby xxx

When It All Goes Wrong

Don’t you hate it when everything is going along fabulously, you’re feeling on top of your game, happy in what you’re doing and as if you’re rocking the world and then…bang…it hits you smack in the face…something didn’t go to plan?

There is nothing guaranteed to make you feel worse than the feeling of impending doom when you think all the bricks are coming tumbling down around you and there’s no way out, but wait! Stop right there; gather your thoughts and listen up. I’m here to tell you that sometimes the best thing that can happen to us is that it all goes wrong.

Yes, you heard me right, sometimes it really is the best thing that things go wrong. Think about it, without the things going wrong, how on earth can you measure how many things are going right – and appreciate them?

Whether it’s an unhappy client, a logistic or system that isn’t working out how you’d planned or just a good old human error that’s caused an issue, dealing with things going wrong is the best thing for us as small business owners and humans. It means we get to address issues, learn and improve things for the future.

However, you can only do this if you’re in control of yourself. Firstly, staying calm is imperative if you’re going to fix things, so big breaths and stay calm, relaxed and rational. Pretty much anything can be fixed (with exception to a few obvious things…yes, back to that death and the Tax Man thing again!).

Secondly, make sure you’re responding to situations and not reacting to them. There is a difference. When we respond we’ve been rational, calculated the issues and instantly got to work on fixing them. When we react it’s just our heart and emotions running the show and this is NEVER a good thing. That little old head of yours needs to play its part too, after all, it’s a clever thing; it did build your life and career.

So, next time things don’t go to plan don’t panic. Take a minute, breath, stay calm and rational and let your head lead the way. Then learn, improve, set new, improved systems and you’ll be flying.

Much Love

Tabby x

And yes, that is a real life picture of when my house boat and Italian home became unrepairable on it’s removable for roof works from it’s lake back in 2020!