How to support people at difficult times

Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say and do when someone is experiencing something tough so here’s a few pointers.

Following a traumatic event people may have trouble sleeping, eating, processing and talking, or the opposite may be true.

The experience may bring up past experiences and pain.

There may be thoughts of “what if?”

There is a complex mix of symptoms someone might experience and there is no right or wrong way for them to behave.

Give them the time, space, support and safety to manage their emotions as they need to without judgement.

It’s is normal for symptoms to last around 2 weeks after a traumatic event so allow that time and encourage someone to look after themselves with rest, hydration, some gentle activity, nutrition and connection.

Give them the space to process whilst checking-in with genuine concern and support and show this in your words and actions. Don’t burden, criticise or blame them. Ask them what they need and how you can help them best.

If after 2 weeks symptoms are still prevalent then signposting to further help may be helpful. Visit www.modefor.co.uk for more details.

Don’t let your own judgements, beliefs and experiences become a block to the way you can support someone else.

Loneliness is Common

Last week a new YouGov survey for GMB revealed increasing statistics around loneliness.

According to latest data:
81% of people say they are lonely
64% of those people didn’t tell anyone
59% of those people say there’s a stigma around loneliness

I’ve said before loneliness and alone are not the same thing. Just because you’re in a room full of people does not mean that you don’t feel lonely, equally just because someone chooses to be by themselves does not make them lonely.

Loneliness is one of the largest causes of poor mental health…. and that’s not saying it causes mental illness, but it can do if not addressed. Poor mental health is a step towards mental illness where low moods and anxious feelings can start to take hold. These can lead to feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness and this can be dangerous.

People feel lonely for all sorts of reasons: grief, isolated in a relationship that isn’t working, working from home, children moving to university, young people moving to a new city for uni or work, death of pets, loss of friendships, financial hardship, not feeling understood and so many more reasons. This list is not exhaustive.

Loneliness is a feeling of disconnection and disconnection is a huge part of depression. Disconnection from people, places and possibilities.

… and yes, there is a stigma. Why? Because we don’t talk about it, we mask it, we feel like we are at fault or people will think badly of us.

Since losing Simon and especially since now living alone for the first time in my life since Oliver moved to university there are moments when I feel lonely and equally moments that I thrive on being alone.

I foresaw the possibility of loneliness spiralling negatively last year when I’d already experienced those feelings and that was a huge part of the reason I chose to go back to playing in brass bands, so I had some people in my life to connect to otherwise I knew I’d be living by myself, working from home alone and would literally go weeks without seeing or taking to anyone. I knew that was dangerous for me as, at heart, I’m an introvert – albeit an extroverted one! An ambivert if you like!

It’s also the reason I got my new kittens immediately my gorgeous Poppy cat died… because of loneliness. Within a day it was too quiet and I could feel what could happen.

Connection is key for emotional fitness and talking about loneliness is so important, to lift the stigma and help people flourish, so they don’t experience poor mental health.

Feeling lonely is common and normal. Please know that. But it doesn’t have to be that way. If you are lonely there will be a safe person for you to connect with but more importantly, let’s all just take responsibility to be that safe space, to connect to people and to tackle loneliness head on. A simple message to someone can make all the difference and could help someone thrive, and potentially save lives too, or sharing our own stories and experiences can bring comfort.

Let’s connect more. In our homes, friendships, work places, schools, music and sports teams and communities.

No-one needs to feel lonely at Christmas or any other time year.

Much love
Tabby 💚 xxx

The 7 Stages of Burnout

Burnout doesn’t just happen to us. It builds gradually – we ignore the early signs, keep pushing through until our body and mind can’t handle it anymore.

Burnout is the consequence of continued exposure to stress which result in physical and mental exhaustion.

Now, stress isn’t always bad for us. We need some stress and good stress (or eustress) helps us achieve amazing things. We all have different stress capacities, hence why some people may flourish and some languish when exposed to the same situations, but issues generally arise when we don’t have the strategies to manage our stress.

Burnout builds in stages and it’s important we don’t ignore those early signs and prioritise self-care, self-compassion and self-kindness at every opportunity.

The Seven Stages of Burnout:

Stage 1

Insecurity leading to a strong desire to prove yourself and work harder to achieve this.

Stage 2

Working harder, not smarter, meaning you neglect your own needs.

Stage 3

You don’t take accountability, therefore blaming others for situations and you deny problems that arise due to stress.

Stage 4

Your focus shifts, you work more and withdraw from family, friends and social life.

Stage 5

Your personality and behavior changes meaning you don’t feel like yourself which affects relationships with the self and others.

Stage 6

You feel numb and alone which can lead to using unhelpful coping strategies, depression or anxiety.

Stage 7

You have no capacity left and are emotionally and physically exhausted, meaning full burnout

Have you ever felt burntout? I’d love to hear your story.

Much love
Tabby xx

It’s Not the Journey or the Destination… It’s the People…

American essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson was quoted as saying “It’s the not the destination, It’s the journey” and over the years this has a been a useful reminder that the pathway to our goals is where we should be focussing our energy, celebrating and appreciating each step along the way.

Recently I’ve been thinking about pathways and goals and actually, I’m not sure if I 100% agree with Waldo!

Yes, the journey is important and, whilst it sounds cringey, life is a journey we need to embrace, however having goals is a key element to living a positive and emotionally fit life.

But the destination (AKA the goal) is super important. We need to know where we are headed, yet we also need to be super flexible about how we get there, or the journey we take.

Take for instance the thousands of students that received A-Level results this week. Many of them have goals, they want to be doctors, lawyers, vets or accountants. This is their goal, however, they may not have attained the grades they needed for first-choice universities.

This may be disappointing, but if they are flexible, they will find a place at another university and their goal is still strong, they are just taking a different pathway or journey to the destination. So in this instance, the destination is strong and the process to getting there is malleable.

But I want to add another possibility that really resonated with me after watching a recent episode of the Amazon series ‘All or Nothing’ which follows premiere league football club Arsenal.

In a team talk manager Mikel Arteta asks the team what is more important, the journey or the destination? The answer was neither – rather it was the company you kept along the way.

I love this and it’s got me really thinking since. In a world where we rely so heavily on tech it’s easy to forget the importance of people, but who we have on our team, who we share our goals with, who is by our side is the most important thing.

In order to be emotionally fit, in order to be healthy, in order to achieve we need to connect with others and gain support and be supportive, then the journey and destination are equally achievable and enjoyable.

So, who is in your team?

Much love,

Tabby xx

What’s going on with your monkey?

Friday thoughts…about your monkey!

According to Buddhist writings, the ‘monkey mind’ is a term that refers to being unsettled, restless, or confused. When we feel unrest in our mind, our inner critic shouts loudly.

Our monkey mind can stop us being brave; looking inward and doing what we know is right for us.

Often, we can let our inner critic speak so loudly it stops us doing what fills our soul, setting our goals and reaching our dreams and visions. It makes us doubt oursleves, allowing imposter syndrome to be dominant and we start living from the point of view of other people’s perceptions and opinions.

STOP!

Check in with yourself and ask who is controlling your thoughts and actions… is it you or your inner chimp?

Tame it – hell name that chimp, control those thoughts and live your truth. That will allow you to be the happiest version of yourself!

It’s not always easy, but way more authentic. Live your life in your way, not just in a way that pleases the needs and expectations of others.

Feeling overwhelmed by your monkey mind?

Here’s just a few scientifically proven taming techniques: meditation, mindfulness, reframing your thoughts, colouring, mantras, running, talking, journaling, kindness, giving … and more.

… and if all else fails, remind yourself that your mind is designed to have this inner chatter; just sometimes you have to manually override it, because, mostly, what that chimp tells you and predicts is completely untrue!

Want a good read?
Check out “The Chimp Paradox” by Prof. Steve Peters here.

Building Resilience….

Resilience…

What is it?

Why do we need it?

How do we build it?

Tabby Kerwin takes a look at one of the fundamental elements of emotional fitness that allows us to live a healthier life and get back up and fight stronger when difficult situations come our way.

Resilience is the ability to easily adjust to misfortune or change whilst Hope is defined as a desire accompanied by expectation or belief in fulfilment or wanting something to happen (Merriam-Webster, 2021).

These two elements of hope and resilience are closely intertwined, acting as protective factors against adversity and for our mental health and following some recent research I posited that:

Hope + Action = Resilience + Mental Wellness

Protective factors are vital; they protect our mental health in contrast to risk factors which pose a threat to our mental health and in the same way physical fitness can be improved through physical exercise, emotional fitness can be improved through emotional exercise and it is these emotional exercises which are the Action in my Hope + Action = Resilience + Mental Wellness equation.

My personal definition of resilience is not just strength, but the ability to be stretched and then return to form (not always the same form), mentally or physically.

Evidence shows us that hope helps protect mental health (Leite et al,. 2019) and that it is resilience that helps people bounce back when they face adversity, but why do we need to build resilience?

A person who is resilient can work through adversity and challenges by using their strengths and other elements of psychological capital (resources a person can use to help improve their performance) such as hope, optimism and self-efficacy (someone’s belief in their capacity to perform) (Fontane Pennock, 2020). The more resilient you become, the stronger you feel and more mentally healthy you are. Resilience self-perpetuates where resilience builds more resilience.

When we develop our emotional fitness by utilising tools in our wellbeing toolkit we are not only building our resilience but we our increasing our levels of hope, boosting our mood and becoming mentally healthier.

What are the tools that can help us build resilience and emotional fitness?

Visualisation
Movement
Breathing
Meditation
Journaling
Gratitude
Grounding

These are some of the examples of tools we should have in our wellbeing toolkit that we can use as a daily practise for preventative measures and use as continuing and maintenance tools, or in a moment of emotional distress.

To buy Tabby’s Book: ‘The Three Ps: Possibility, Productivity & Performance’ click here

Wearing a Mask

Wearing a mask become the new normal for us over the last few years, but when we refer to wearing a mask, we’re not always referring to the physical mask worn as a protection from Potential physical illness, but the metaphorical mask worn when someone is experiencing emotional distress.

I was part of a discussion about ‘maskless conversations’ over the weekend. It’s not often that we have these, in fact I do not always have them myself.

What do I mean by ‘maskless conversations’? Well, simply put, when we talk and are truly vulnerable, open and honest about how we are feeling with not just strangers but those closest to us.

As honest as I am there are still many things I don’t share. Why? Because sometimes people don’t need to know what’s in my head, or I don’t want to burden them, or that still intrusive, but much quieter, fear of judgement.

For people who wear that mask constantly (and I know many people who do but don’t even share that with those they live with), hiding their reality is a necessity, often due to feelings of shame, stigma and discrimination. The feeling that other people’s opinions are judgements of them and these opinions can sometimes manifest in discriminatory behaviours, so they would be better placed to hide their truth – to wear a mask and suppress all their emotions.

But the truth is that the constant mask wearing is exhausting and can make them feel worse until they lose themselves and stigma becomes the barrier to them getting the help that they need.

Awareness, education, open and honest conversations and implementing protective factors for better wellness will change this.

The phrase “if you need help just reach out and talk” is often heard, but the truth is if you’re wearing that mask it’s so difficult to talk. So we need to spin the narrative and create safe places and environments where talking about emotions, emotional fitness and mental health are completely acceptable, not just normal.

What environment are you in where you can do that? Be that at home, school, workplace, bandroom or sports club? Can you create an environment where having “maskless conversations” becomes psychologically safe?

The Five Ways to Wellbeing

The Five Ways to Wellbeing are a set of evidence-based public mental health messages aimed at improving the mental health and wellbeing of the whole population.

They were developed by NEF as the result of a commission by Foresight, the UK government‟s futures think-tank, as part of the Foresight Project on Mental Capital and Wellbeing.

So, what are they?

Connect
There is strong evidence that indicates that feeling close to, and valued by, other people is a fundamental human need and one that contributes to functioning well in the world.

It’s clear that social relationships are critical for promoting wellbeing and for acting as a buffer against mental ill health for people of all ages.

With this in mind, try to do something different today and make a connection.

Talk to someone
Speak to someone new
Ask how someone’s weekend was and really listen when they tell you
Put five minutes aside to find out how someone really is
Give a colleague a lift to work or share the journey home with them.

Be Active
Regular physical activity is associated with lower rates of depression and anxiety across all age groups.

Exercise is essential for slowing age-related cognitive decline and for promoting well-being.

But it doesn’t need to be particularly intense for you to feel good – slower-paced activities, such as walking, can have the benefit of encouraging social interactions as well providing some level of exercise.

Today, why not get physical? Here are a few ideas:

Take the stairs not the lift
Go for a walk at lunchtime
Walk into work – perhaps with a colleague – so you can ‘connect’ as well
Get off the bus one stop earlier than usual and walk the final part of your journey to work
Organise a work sporting activity
Have a kick-about in a local park
Do some ‘easy exercise’, like stretching, before you leave for work in the morning
Walk to someone’s desk instead of calling or emailing.

Take Notice
Reminding yourself to ‘take notice’ can strengthen and broaden awareness.

Studies have shown that being aware of what is taking place in the present directly enhances your well-being and savouring ‘the moment’ can help to reaffirm your life priorities.

Heightened awareness also enhances your self-understanding and allows you to make positive choices based on your own values and motivations.

Take some time to enjoy the moment and the environment around you. Here are a few ideas:

Get a plant for your workspace
Have a ‘clear the clutter’ day
Take notice of how your colleagues are feeling or acting
Take a different route on your journey to or from work
Visit a new place for lunch.

Learn
Continued learning through life enhances self-esteem and encourages social interaction and a more active life.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that the opportunity to engage in work or educational activities particularly helps to lift older people out of depression.

The practice of setting goals, which is related to adult learning in particular, has been strongly associated with higher levels of wellbeing.

Why not learn something new today? Here are a few more ideas:

Find out something about your colleagues
Sign up for a class
Read the news or a book
Set up a book club
Do a crossword or Sudoku
Research something you’ve always wondered about
Learn a new word.

Give
Participation in social and community life has attracted a lot of attention in the field of wellbeing research.

Individuals who report a greater interest in helping others are more likely to rate themselves as happy.

Research into actions for promoting happiness has shown that committing an act of kindness once a week over a six-week period is associated with an increase in wellbeing.

Much Love
Tabby x

Resources: mind.org.uk

What a weekend!

At the weekend I visited the Manjushri Kadampa Meditation Centre at Conishead Priory in Ulverston, South Lake District to both decompress from a busy month so far and to also gain some insight on wellbeing to help and better support colleagues and clients.

This was a weekend meditation retreat with a focus on restoring wellbeing using Buddhist teachings and what a great weekend it was.

Such an impressive and beautiful location where in the grounds of a 12^th Century Augustine priory a huge and inspiring Buddhist temple emerges from the landscape. Breathtaking!

Now, you could fully immerse yourself in these weekends and stay on campus, living a simple life and perhaps even completely detox nutritionally and digitally, but I chose to make it a hybrid experience, staying in the nearby town of Ulverston in a small house with friends who joined me in the retreat experience.

Over the course of the weekend we attended several meditation sessions and talks and whilst based on the Dharma (teachings of Buddha) this did not feel like a religious experience (personally not my bag) but words of total relevance and accuracy for how we need to think, feel and behave to increase our wellness and protect our mental health.

The consequence of the weekend (aside from another valuable lesson in red wine consumption!) was leaving feeling calmer, more open and a desire to implement simple daily practises for the benefit of myself and others. It was all so relevant.

Taking a few moments every day to meditate and to be more mindful about our thoughts, intentions and actions is incredibly beneficial for our overall health and wellness levels. The simple process (and granted simple does not always mean easy) of changing our thoughts to be more positive can help boost our mood and decrease levels of anxiety – in turn this helps us function better, be more productive and of course, increases our happiness levels.

If you need to gain a little more calm I thoroughly recommend you check out the meditation sessions at the centre and maybe even one of their retreats. Modestly priced and a great experience which you can either fully immerse yourself in or take the hybrid route like I did.

It’s definitely an experience which will benefit myself and all those I work with and for. 🙏

Find out more at https://manjushri.org/

Much love

Tabby x

Strike Up a Conversation – It’s Time to Talk Day 2022

MENTAL HEALTH:

Conversations have the power to change and save lives.

This week is #TimeToTalk day on 3rd February and an opportunity to start a conversation .

Whether it’s in person, via text, over a cuppa, in your bandroom or as you play football, start a conversation with someone to help them and you.

Talking and sharing are superpowers.

For more details and resources visit: https://timetotalkday.co.uk/download-a-pack/

timetotalkday #mentalhealth #wellness #wellbeing #starttheconversation #asktwice